


Meddle About

by Carmenlire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aromantic, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Internalized Acephobia, Introspection, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Platonic Relationships, Protective Magnus Bane, Sad Alec Lightwood, Supportive Magnus Bane, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:54:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25693888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: He likes being single. He likes his life, but when the whole world is shouting that he needs to find his other half, it’s hard not to want to fall in line even as he balks at the very notion.Or, Alec might love differently but he still loves. Magnus loves him back.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 48
Kudos: 207





	Meddle About

On the one hand--

But on the other.

Alec groans, rakes his hands over his face and leans back until he’s staring at the stars. The grass is cool on his back and it pokes through his shirt, dry and a little itchy. It’s a visceral feeling and it tethers him to earth, makes him feel like he’s sinking into the ground.

It’s a welcome feeling because Alec doesn’t feel like he belongs most days. The balmy air whispers through the trees and he shivers a little even though he’s warm. The ground is cool but comfortable and as he looks up, he feels small and insignificant. It’s not unpleasant. 

If anything, it helps him feel like maybe it’s not a big deal if he’s broken, cold, a fucking robot--

No.

So maybe Alec’s head is a mess most days. He goes back and forth. It’s a running joke with Iz and Jace-- that he’s a robot, so cold as to verge on icy, and he humors them. He stares at them, unamused and stoic when they prank him, has no problem staring his bitch of a mother in the face as she berates him in full view of the servants, keeps mum as Jace ribs him goodnaturedly about his lack of a love life.

But then he goes to his bedroom after a long day where nothing seemed to go right and he feels like he’s suffocating as he chokes back a scream that would scrape his throat raw if he let it. He lays in bed for hours at night, mind going in circles, as he wonders what the fuck everyone else means when they say _love_.

Because sure, he loves Izzy and Jace and Max. He’d die for them without hesitation, and would only hesitate a little when they bug the shit out of him for the last salted caramel cookie that he’s been hoarding like a goddamn dragon.

He thinks he understands what it means to say he loves reading because when he loses himself in a good book, it almost feels like he’s somewhere else, somewhere free where he can be himself. There’s love in the pages of a novel where there are no pretenses, just earnest appreciation and a desperate kind of joy.

But that’s lowercase love, casual and informal and to everyone else-- _lesser_. There seems to be a difference between that and love with all caps, with fireworks, with a marching band playing the world’s sappiest, most cliche ballad. 

And that’s what seems so foreign to him because when people say love in that voice they mean something Alec can’t put his finger on and it’s maddening, that the entire world just knows how it feels to be head over heels, to feel butterflies, to be _in love_.

It’s romantic love that makes him want to tear his goddamn hair out because that-- that he doesn’t understand.

He watches Jace make a fool of himself with over the top gestures and while he’s supportive and encouraging, privately he can’t understand why his brother would make such an ass out of himself because of an ephemeral feeling. He listens as Izzy goes on and on about someone in her class, talking about the way they fucking laugh and smile with their eyes or whatever the fuck and can’t help but feel like his sister-- his ever practical sister-- has lost her goddamn mind.

He can comprehend grand gestures and overwhelming fondness and while it’s a secret he likes to keep close to his vest, Alec is a bit of a hopeless romantic when it comes to media. He loves a good romcom and he has an entire shelf dedicated to romance novels in his bedroom.

But that’s fiction and in real life, he’s left wondering if everyone is playing some sort of elaborate joke on him because for a reasonably intelligent nineteen year old, he just can’t understand what people say when they say those words.

He made it through his entire high school career without a crush while his classmates seemed to fall for someone every other period. He’s never hooked up with anyone, never felt the need to lose himself in someone else.

And it’s those realizations-- noticing that he seems to be falling behind everyone else, that even if he doesn’t particular care that he hasn’t slept with anyone, that he’s never been on a date, everyone else has and because of that, something is missing in his life-- that make Alec feel like he’s going crazy sometimes.

He likes being single. He likes his life, but when the whole world is shouting that he needs to find his other half, it’s hard not to want to fall in line even as he balks at the very notion.

Phone vibrating in his back pocket, Alec’s thoughts break off as he reaches for it. He smiles a little as he sees the incoming text.

 _On my way and I have milkshakes_.

Shaking his head a little to clear it even more, Alec shoots back a reply before letting his phone drop onto his stomach. He hears the rustle of leaves under him and closes his eyes.

Quietly, he thinks he could fall asleep like this. This is their park, halfway between their houses and it’s always deserted this time of night. It feels like he’s the only person in the world and that makes the hint of hollowness in his chest ease a little.

It’s hard to feel broken when there’s no one else to compare to. It’s easier to think that being a robot isn’t so bad as long as he’s not hurting anyone.

Because sometimes his siblings’ ribbing pierces clean through him. He’ll never admit it but there are times when he replays their words over and over and wonders if they’re right, if they’re true, if there’s something fundamentally wrong with him.

Because sometimes-- just sometimes because it’s all he can bear-- he wonders what’s the point. He’s come to terms with being gay even if there are only a few people he’s told. But when a voice whispers that if he doesn’t want to have sex and he doesn’t particularly want to be in love-- what’s the point. There’s nothing for him and he’s nothing for anyone else.

Sometimes he thinks he shouldn’t be here. Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t.

He’s not maudlin, not even really sad. It’s just that when he lets himself, he measures what everyone else values against what he can provide and it seems embarrassingly obvious that he’s lacking.

Everyone places such importance on romance and attraction and Love and it feels like he doesn’t fit in with his complete apathy and mild distaste for it all.

Alec’s thoughts fracture as something lands on his stomach. Huffing a little, he opens his eyes and he swears the moonlight makes his best friend glow.

“What the fuck,” he mutters and Magnus laughs a little before dropping down next to him on the same faded blanket they’ve been bringing to this park since they were in middle school.

“Now is that any way to greet someone who brought your favorite milkshake?”

Narrowing his eyes, all Alec shoots back is, “Cookies n Cream?”

Glaring at him, Magnus all but shoves the drink in his face before he fairly sneers, “Extra Oreo.”

The two of them stare at each other for a long moment before they break out into laughter and God, Alec thinks, as he snags the straw Magnus holds out, there’s nowhere he’d rather be than right here, alone with his best friend.

Sitting up and grabbing the bag that Magnus had tossed at him, Alec knows there’s no place better and it’s in these moments that he casts a giant _fuck you_ to anyone who would tell him that this is less than a boyfriend.

This is all he needs, he thinks and is only a little embarrassed at how mushy he’s being, if only in his own head.

Even by moonlight, Alec sees the grease soaking through the bag and he grins as he opens it to reveal an extra large order of fries from the same diner Magnus bought the shakes.

“You know me too well,” he mutters as he snags a fry and pops it into his mouth before wincing as it burns his tongue.

Magnus tsks even as he shoves a few into his own mouth. “I was hungry,” he shrugs, “And figured you probably were too.”

Alec just echoes, “You know me too well,” and lets the silence settle between them.

It’s not a bad silence. It’s not oppressive and there’s no pressure to fill it. Alec’s long since learned that he can be himself with Magnus, whatever that means. Magnus deals with taciturn, abrasive Alec just as well as he does sleepy Alec with cracked walls and silly jokes, which is the same as when Alec’s knuckles are bruised and bloodied and there are tears that seem to leech from his damned soul.

Magnus has seen every side of Alec and he’s stayed through them all.

Alec tells himself that this is different, though. He’s not told anyone, not even his best friend, not even Magnus, about these thoughts that make him sick, that make him feel angry and weird and other and _less_.

He doesn’t think Magnus would understand. Scoffing to himself as he brings his milkshake up for a long sip, Alec knows Magnus can’t understand what Alec himself is confused about.

Confused, terrified, and yet strangely uncaring under everything else. It’s all a tangled mess in his chest. It gives him a headache.

When Magnus speaks, it spooks him a little but Alec doesn’t look up from where he’s staring at a dandelion. This isn’t the first night one of them haven’t been in the mood to talk but Alec still feels like he should be better at compartmentalizing. 

The thing is, there’s a niggling voice in his head and while he tells it to shut the fuck up, it whispers and insinuates and Alec doesn’t know what’s up from down.

Because sometimes he looks at Magnus and it’s his best friend. And then sometimes he looks at his best friend and wonders if this is what everyone else feels when they say they’re in love.

Because Magnus is beautiful, there’s no denying that. Magnus is perfect to Alec. Even with his ridiculous bedhead in the morning, and his tendency to bottle emotions up until they explode all over the place, even when he’s being a stubborn ass, he’s perfect, perfect for him.

Still. Alec thinks about what other people talk about when they say it’s love and he doesn’t want to sleep with Magnus. He doesn’t want to necessarily go on romantic dates and hold hands and wax poetic about Magnus’s goddamn hands.

He likes their weekly sleepovers and looks forward to rooming with him at NYU next month. He likes that Magnus makes him feel safe and accepted and that he can be himself with Magnus and that Magnus is one of the only people on earth he’d drop everything for, no hesitation. Some of his favorite afternoons have been hanging out at a nearby coffee shop working on homework or blatantly blowing it off. It’s a running joke between their friends and families that they’re joined at the hip, that where Magnus is, Alec is sure to be following. It’s been like that since they were kids.

They’re best friends and that’s enough but Alec doesn’t like that everyone else wouldn’t agree.

Izzy and Jace tease him about Magnus sometimes. In between telling them to go fuck themselves and rolling his eyes, he knows what it maybe, possibly looks like from the outside. It looks romantic, it looks closer than two friends should be, it looks different.

Alec doesn’t mind different, though. Not when it’s Magnus. Not when it’s them.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, darling?”

Alec still doesn’t look up, even though he feels Magnus lean into his shoulder, even when he wants nothing more than to pour his heart out and have Magnus tell him it’s okay, he’s okay, everything is going to be okay.

He shrugs into himself, scowls at the innocent flower and wishes he wasn’t himself. Maybe a stupid wish but a wish nonetheless. And because it’s midnight and dark and the person next to him is Magnus-- his best friend, his person-- Alec tells the truth.

“I wish I wasn’t me.”

Magnus’s voice is soft as he asks, “And why is that?”

And that’s why-- one of the hundred thousand million reasons why-- Alec loves Magnus. Magnus doesn’t tell him not to think like that, doesn’t give him weak if well-meaning platitudes. Magnus plays the game out and sometimes Alec wonders if Magnus doesn’t know him better than he knows himself.

Teeth digging into his bottom lip for a beat or two Alec tries to think of the best way to phrase his jumble of thoughts. It all boils down to one thing, though, that thing being, “I think I’m broken.”

His voice comes out a hoarse whisper, raw around the edges. That’s what it all comes down to-- Alec’s not like everyone else and if he’s not like everyone else then there’s something wrong with him, something not right.

Something wrong. Something broken.

The words might seem like a plea for help to others and Alec supposes he can’t fault them for that. Magnus gets it though because he gets Alec-- this is the root of his issue and at the end of it, he’s just confused. He just wants answers.

Leaning into the arm Magnus wraps around his shoulder, Alec keeps his gaze down as his best friend lets out a considering hum. “Why do you think you’re broken, Alexander?”

Taking a shuddering breath, Alec feels relief at not having his problem brushed away. His mind races and there are a dozen things that come to mind. He kind of wants to throw everything at Magnus and let someone else put the pieces together. There’s a sort of checklist in his head, All The Ways Alec Lightwood Doesn’t Fit In and included on that list is that while Alec likes the idea of marriage, he doesn’t see himself ever actually getting married.

He looks at relationships around him and they don’t make sense. They leave a sour taste in his mouth.

At the end of the day, he doesn’t know if he wants what everyone else has because they tell him he should want it of if his want is true, is real.

On the one hand, he likes the picture perfect idea. On the other, the thought of actually having it makes him queasy.

Swallowing hard, Alec looks up and meets Magnus’s eyes. His best friend is looking at him with the world’s patience and, even if Alec is hopeless at reading faces, a good amount of fondness seems to break through, too.

It’s just the two of them in the park as Alec finally lets his failing slip. Strangely, it’s not as scary as he’d thought it’d be, even moments ago.

“I don’t think I know what love is. I don’t think I know how to love.”

The words fall between them and it should sound absurd and a little pathetic. And it does because how does someone make it through high school, how do they become an adult and not know how to love or what love even _is._

But that’s how it feels to Alec. He has familial love because he’s always had it. He can intuit his love of hobbies and other random inanimate objects because it’s what everyone else says and at the end of the day, it isn’t really that serious to exclaim that he loves the movie Pride and Prejudice.

He used to hesitate when it came to telling Magnus he loved him and the truth is, he still hesitates. Because to him, love seems unknowable and too meaningful and he didn’t want to lie to Magnus.

Still, Magnus told Alec that he loved him and didn’t seem to hold the same uncertainty or fear. Alec never wants Magnus to feel bad for loving him, so he said it back. He’s gotten better at saying it first because he likes the way Magnus smiles when he does and he likes making his best friend happy.

There’s a part of Alec that wonders if this isn’t love after all because he feels more towards Magnus than he does anyone else and if that’s all he’s capable of, then maybe it’s good enough to call it love. Maybe he’s not lying after all when he says it and wants to mean it.

If he wants to mean it, then maybe he does mean it. Maybe it’s enough that if he wants it to be true, it can be, it is.

Alec watches as Magnus smiles, just a little, just enough to see the twitch of his lips as he leans into Alec’s space like he's sharing a secret. “You are one of the most loving people I know, Alec.”

Startled, Alec blinks a little dumbly as he leans away to see Magnus better. Before he can open his mouth for a retort, Magnus is continuing.

“I’m serious,” Magnus says and Alec sees, from his eyes, that he is maybe the most serious Alec’s ever seen him. “You love without thinking, without hesitating. Isabelle, Jace, Max, that eccentric elderly woman that you help every Thursday evening with her correspondence, the underclassmen you tutor and treat to dinner even if you roll your eyes the entire time-- it might be quiet but it’s always there.”

Alec frowns as he notices, “You didn’t name yourself.”

Magnus shrugs and his expression is a little coy as he replies, “This isn’t about me, Alexander. It’s about you and letting you know that you love and are loved dearly.”

“I don’t understand love, Magnus.” Alec’s voice is soft as he adds, “I’ve never been in love. I’m not sure I want to be, not really, not like everyone says I should.”

“And that’s okay,” Magnus immediately says. “As long as you’re happy, you can be anything you want.”

“What about us?”

Magnus raises a single brow and while ordinarily Alec would tell him how stupid he looks, he just stays silent as Magnus asks, “What do you mean, what about us?”

“I’m not in love with you.” Alec’s voice is barely a whisper and he wonders if he’s just said something wrong. He clears his throat. “You’re my favorite person and I-- I think I have to love you more than just about anyone else on the planet but that’s it.”

He twists his hands in his lap as he waits for Magnus’s reaction.

His best friend just smiles patiently. “And I’m telling you that’s okay.”

Frowning a little, Alec looks up. “Is it?”

Sighing, Magnus pulls Alec close until his chin is resting on top of Alec’s head. It’s a little cramped but Alec huddles just that little bit closer and thinks that there’s no place else he’d rather be.

“You’re my favorite person, too, darling. My best friend. I love you and I know you love me and that’s more than enough for us.” Magnus’s voice drops to a whisper as Alec swears he feels lips against his hair. “You’re perfect just as you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

The only sound around them is the distant thrum of New York as Alec focuses on his breathing, on taking in what Magnus just said. “Kind of seems like everyone else expects us to start dating or some shit.”

He feels more than hears Magnus start laughing. “Kind of seems like everyone else should mind their fucking business.”

There’s a pause before Magnus quietly asks, “Are you happy? With the way things are?”

Alec doesn’t hesitate as he replies, “Yeah, yes, of course. I love us.” He straightens up, though, making sure he’s looking Magnus in the eyes as he replies, “Are you?”

Magnus nods, grins a little. “I am,” he answers confidently. “I’m happy as long as it’s you, as long as it’s us. Whatever that means, however it happens. And to hell with what anyone else thinks.”

Alec stares hard at Magnus, can’t help but wonder if his best friend is lying to spare his feelings-- wonders if maybe Magnus is in love with him and trying to hide it, if maybe he doesn’t think Alec isn’t overreacting and is making a mountain out of a molehill.

But his best friend’s eyes are clear and bright and Alec might not be great at reading people but he knows Magnus better than most anyone else and this-- this is Magnus at his best, at his most happy and relaxed.

“Whatever that means,” he echoes.

He pulls Magnus into a hug and breathes in familiar shampoo. He decides that this is his favorite spot, right here with his best friend, and that maybe it’s okay not to have all the answers as long as he’s happy, as long as he’s not hurting anyone.

Maybe it’s okay to be different, as long as someone understands, as long as Magnus get it, gets him.

This is enough, Alec thinks. This is more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me on tumblr or twitter @carmenlire!


End file.
